Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I bribed them to sing a song that would drive us insane and make our hearts swell and burst.

Eight years ago, in a little room behind where our friends and family were assembled to watch Kathy and I get married, I was doing what I always do: joking with my friends and quoting my favorite movies. Difference was, this time I was doing it in a tux.

But when the word came that it was time to take the stage, there was only one thing I could say. My last words as a single man.

“Take me to… the volcano!”

Not an actual wedding photo.
Eight years in, it’s easy to see that jumping in was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Thanks, honey.


Friday, April 15, 2011

The Horse Horseman of the Asmackolypse

I dreamed I was arrested for selling heroin last night.

Now, I don’t sell heroin; I’ve never even seen it in person. And even in the dream I actually wasn’t selling H either. I was trying to, but never actually had a supplier. The whole dream was set up like the first fifteen minutes of a cop show, where they shake down a really stupid lowlife in order to get him to turn on someone higher up in the organization. Only: a) I hadn’t yet gotten into the organization yet, so I couldn’t tell them anything even if I wanted to, and b) I was extra, extra stupid.

I’m not sure how or where the dream started, since there were a variety of flashbacks, but let’s say it started outside of some fast food restaurant. There was a crowd outside, and I offered to buy a couple of likely customers a fish sandwich. (This was code for getting some heroin for them, dealt back by the service entrance, I assume.) They gave me 55 cents, but they were undercover cops. So they arrested me, cuffing me and putting me in the back of their patrol car. (Why UCs had a black-and-white, I dunno. It’s a dream.)

Apparently by my accepting the 55 cents, I had somehow agreed to sell them heroin, which is against the law. From the back of the patrol car, I explained that 55 cents wouldn’t buy them an actual fish sandwich, let alone smack, but they didn’t care. They wanted me to roll on my friends, and find out who my supplier was.

I told them I didn’t have a supplier -- they would have been my first customers, but 55 cents wouldn’t have bought them anything. Then they charged me with stealing their 55 cents, and that's when I knew they had me with their clever legal maneuvering.

So I gave them some of the details on how I intended to sell heroin (but actually never had!). These details – I don’t think you can call it anything other than a master plan – involved having painted/dyed the back end of a horse green (accomplished!), hot-gluing a diorama of some sort to the hood of a car (a work-in-progress), and contacting the city’s major supplier of heroin (wouldn’t know where to begin). I told them I would show them the horse, but I would not tell them who painted it. Or half-painted it, I guess. The horse was owned by the guy who plays Agent Burke on White Collar.

(I think the idea behind this would be to make someone think we had twice as many horses as we did. So someone would see the front end of the horse and think: “They’ve got a brown horse.” But then they’d see the back end and think, “Oh, they also have a green horse.” So: Advantage, ours! Hoodwink’d!)

We were walking down a forest trail, the two cops and I, as my dream ended. The last impression I have is that I was very nervous that we would get to the end of the trail and they would catch my accomplice touching up the paint job. I was seriously thinking about making a break for it.

So remember, kids: Crime doesn’t pay!*


*Unless you count the 55 cents.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

You Might Wanna Read...

...a lengthy interview with national treasure Fred Willard.

I sure did.

And here's a little extra Fred, since you're so nice.


Thursday, April 07, 2011

It Finally Happened: When Harry Met Sally 2

Seriously. Watch.


And Now, A Message from My Sponsor

As you might know, my cool-as-hell wife has taken up cycling as a hobby. And in the beginning of May, she's going to be going on the longest ride she's ever attempted, a 42-mile ride around the boroughs of New York City. She's doing this to raise money for the Alzheimer's Association, and, well, I'll let her explain:

Hey, all.
As most of you know, I’ve started bike riding. Partly for exercise, partly to reduce my gas usage, but mostly for fun. Last fall I joined a group ride to bike 30 miles around Monmouth County just for the challenge of it. This spring I’ve decided to take it up a couple of notches. On May 1st, I’m going to be riding in the 5 Boro Tour, a 42-mile ride through all five boroughs of New York City. I’m not just doing this to challenge myself; I’m making this ride as part of Team Bike to End Alzheimer’s. In doing so, I hope to help raise awareness of Alzheimer’s disease, as well as, with your help, raise funds for research to fight this disease and support those coping with Alzheimer’s and dementia, either as patients or caregivers of those afflicted.
My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia, and while dementia can be the result of various diseases and conditions, in my grandmother’s case, the symptoms were very similar to Alzheimer’s disease. She was often confused about where she was. She couldn’t recognize family members. She couldn’t maintain a daily routine or handle many of the activities of daily living.
These changes in Gram took a large toll on my mom and her siblings. While dementia afflicts an individual, everyone around that person is deeply affected. The uncle living with Gram when she was diagnosed put his life largely on hold to take care of her. Another uncle handled many of the legal and financial matters. My mom dealt with a lot of the health insurance bureaucracy. All of the siblings agreed when it was time to move Gram to a nursing home. See, one of the worst things about Alzheimer’s and dementia is that the person with the illness looses the ability to make good decisions, so those around them must make the decisions for them. I’m riding so that families don’t need to make these hard decision for each other, or feel like they’re sitting idly by while a love one fades away.
Alzheimer’s is the most common type of dementia. Approximately 5.4 million people have Alzheimer’s, and there are 14.9 million unpaid caregivers, such as family, friends and volunteers. The Alzheimer’s Association offers patients and caregivers support through programs such as a 24-hour helpline, education and referral programs and caregiver support groups. 44 percent of the funds raised by the Alzheimer’s Association goes to researching Alzheimer’s and other dementias in hopes of finding a cure, a cause, and ways to improve the lives of those living with Alzheimer’s.
Please support my efforts and the efforts of the Alzheimer’s Association by making a generous contribution. It just takes a few minutes to make an online donation. Simply click on the link at the bottom of this message, which will bring you right to my personal page. Feel free to forward this message to anyone else who you think may also wish to contribute.
Thank you for your support.
Kathy Staeger
My personal page:http://2011biketoendalz.kintera.org/kathy
For more information about Alzheimer’s Association:www.alz.org

If you're able to give a little, please do. I'm proud as hell that she's doing this... and in awe that she's in the kind of shape that can make this happen.


Sunday, April 03, 2011

Actions speak louder than wombats.

Been laughing for an hour at this site. Trying not to make noise -- Kathy's asleep -- so I now have a splitting headache. Damn You, Damn You Autocorrect!