I Write These Down So I Can Read Them Years Later and Blow My Mind

A brief description of a dream that I had the other night. I was down in Delaware, for a combination book fair and theater festival. Friends of mine from my college theater group were there -- Sharon, Bill, Karen, and Sharon's husband, Drew -- and we were all staying in various dorms. I was in a room with a cot squeezed between two twin beds, but I don't know who my roommates were.

Anyway, because this was Delaware, everyone spoke French. And I kept on having to go to the Delaware embassy to get my passport, because I had forgotten it, and just had an old, photocopied ID. I wouldn't be able to get back into New Jersey with that! So every day, I would float down to the embassy and ask if my passport had arrived.

That's right: because I didn't have my passport, I could fly. My understanding is, once I got my passport, I'd have to walk around like everyone else. But as it was, I was learning to fly, more of a floaty bobbing in air than anything directed, often overshooting the balcony I was trying to land on and setting down on the one above or below. And then having to use the stairs.

So I get back from my trip to the embassy, and float into my room, and everyone is there, having beers because it's 11am and I just missed the last performance of their play. So we had a little cast party in my borrowed dorm.

I don't have the slightest idea what any of this means, particularly since we were speaking French. When in Delaware, after all...

Rob
ETA: Photo copyright John Neel.

Zoinks! It's a Celebrity Memoir!

Years ago, in college (and occasionally since), my friends and I would play a game called Zoinks. The rules were simple: As a reference to that season of Scooby Doo where every episode had a guest star, we'd just say "Zoinks!" followed by the name of someone inappropriate or odd for the gang to team up with. As in, "Zoinks, it's Walter Cronkite!" or "Zoinks! It's Rush!"

Last night on Twitter, I got the same feeling, participating in the thread #fakecelebmemoirs. Again, the rules are simple: Everyone just throws out their ideas for fake celebrity memoir titles, the more awkward and strained the pun, the better. And wham! Suddenly it's 3:30 in the morning.

So in order to think my late late evening wasn't completely ill-spent, here are a few favorites that I came up with:

"Devito, Devidi, Devici" #fakecelebmemoirs

"A Longoria Day's Journey Into Night" #fakecelebmemoirs

"Earnest Borgnine" #fakecelebmemoirs

"And Ringo Is His Name-o" #fakecelebmemoirs

"Who Is Alex Trebek?" #fakecelebmemoirs

"Wheel-ing in the Years: Pat Sajak Remembers" #fakecelebmemoirs

"Olmos, Famous" #fakecelebmemoirs   

"Seeing John Malkovich Being John Malkovich," by Mrs. John Malkovich #fakecelebmemoirs

"Mullet Over: The Billy Ray Cyrus Story" #fakecelebmemoirs

and 

"I Taught You To Read, So Buy My Damn Book," by LeVar Burton #fakecelebmemoirs

And here are a few of my favorites that other people came up with.

Rob 

BananaGram

Old friends of mine know this story, but I thought I'd set it down.

Years ago -- circa 1992, I think -- a couple friends and I were in a bar in Newark, Delaware, listening to a band that I believe was called Grinch. (If you're interested, here's their Facebook page. This story's not about them.)

Between sets, we ended up talking to this other guy in the bar, who was just starting up a local independent newspaper.There'd be comics, and band reviews, and that sort of thing. And my friends and I, writers all, were hooked. He needed writers, and we needed to get published. Win-win, right? So after regaling us with his plans for his paper, he invited us back to his place to check the thing out. We skipped the second set (sorry, Grinch!) and followed him a block or so to his apartment. Eager young writers were we.

And there, he showed us his fine publication -- an orange tabloid with a demented yellow fruit on the cover, called The Powerful Banana. Which was an odd name, but Newark's a college town. It sees odd every day.

Then we flipped the paper open and paged through it. I can honestly say, I don't recall any of the articles in the paper, if there were any. (There had to be, I guess, but they've faded from my memory. You'll see why in a moment.) I remember seeing some bar calendar advertisements, too, and later wondered if the Stone Balloon had any idea what it was paying for, and was happy with what it got. Because the main thing that caught my eye were the comics.

There were three comics strips, and only one had a punchline. And I have to admit that I remember it to this day. I don't think that's a testament to the humor (it couldn't be), but simply my brain's recognition that there are some elements of shock it wants to remember forever, as a defense mechanism against similar situations in the future.

The strip with the punchline was called "The Gassy Guru." This featured a lotus-sitting guru held aloft by his own farts, who eventually pees on one of his followers, saying "urine lightened!"

Ha!

This was the punchline.

Of the other two comic strips, one was called "Runny & Spooge," about a cat and his hairball (I don't know which was which, but really, does it matter?), and the other one was called "The Violent Pervert," which, well... it had truth in advertising going for it, at least. It was vile. Its only saving grace that it was so crudely drawn that you couldn't really see what was going on.

And my two friends and I just deflated. This guy wanted us to write for his newspaper, and until a few moments before, we'd been absolutely giddy. And then we saw the damn thing, and it was clear to each one of us that not being published anywhere, ever, would be better than even once getting published next to "The Violent Pervert." We made some polite noises about sending him some material, maybe, someday, although things are really hectic right now, and oh, look at the time! And we hightailed it out of there as soon as we could.

Somewhere, I think I still have my copy of The Powerful Banana. It later served as a prop in a short film one of those two friends made, and became such a strange artifact that I couldn't bear to throw it away. But it's followed me through a couple moves by this point, and I'm not entirely sure where in the house it is. Which is probably for the best.

Still, for some reason the other day, I was curious about The Powerful Banana, and decided to look it up online, just in case any vestige of this pre-Internet publication survived online. As far as I can tell, it hasn't. But the name lives on! A Japanese band has been playing under that name since 2001, from what I can find out. You can hear some of their music on their myspace page.

The Powerful Banana is dead. Long live the Powerful Banana.

Rob
(photo from Blobby's Blog.)

The Firsts Meme

Okay, I got tagged with a Facebook meme, and as is my custom, I'm taking it to my blog.

If I tag you it means I want to know yours. Copy and paste this note into your blog/facebook notes, delete my answers and fill yours in. Tag me back and anyone else whose "firsts" you want to know about...

1. What was your FIRST job?
Purveyor of water ice at the Springfield Country Club. Actually, probably a paper route.

2. What was your FIRST car?
92 Mercury Tracer

3. Who was your FIRST prom date?
Terri Turner -- I think. I can't remember which order they went in, nor is it worth bothering whether the Snow Dance or Soph Hop qualified as "proms".

4. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Yes

5. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
My dad's beer. If you can call it beer.

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
I have no idea, but they were very excited about finishing classes.

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
The stone mason who’ll be giving us an estimate on our stairs. Next Monday. (Sorry, honey! I thought I heard him knocking!)

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
I should know this. She should have taught me her name better.

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
Orlando, Florida. It was so amazing it was like a vacation in itself.

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
Dave Holdsworth; no, I wasn’t even able to see him at the reunion a while back. :(

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
I think at my neighbor Dave Kennedy’s. I remember the B-52s were the musical guest on Saturday Night Live that night, so we can probably find an actual date for the event.* (For years, I thought the musical guests were supposed to be funny because of them.)

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
Kathy (Again, sorry, honey. Sometimes I open my mouth in the morning. A bad habit, I know.)

13. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?

Threw on some clothes and looked for the unexpected (and nonexistent) stone mason.

14. FIRST tattoo?
I’m sure, at some point in high school band, I got hold of a trumpet and blew a tattoo. (wow, that sounds filthy!) Other than that, no tats.

15. FIRST piercing?
File this under Piercings Yet To Come... or even more likely, not.

16. FIRST foreign country you've went to?
Mexico. Well, Tijuana for an evening, which isn’t really another country, just America without laws. My first extended out-of-country trip was to Quebec City.

17. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger. Or maybe Pete’s Dragon. Or heck, possibly One of Our Dinosaurs is Missing.

18. When was your FIRST detention?
In 10th grade for being late to Spanish class.

19. Who was your FIRST roommate?
Andy Topol. Good guy, too.

20. If you had one wish?
I’d wish that this question had a FIRST in it to fit the meme.

21. Did you marry the FIRST person you asked to marry?
Yes

22. What was the FIRST sport that you were involved in?
Baseball

23. What were the FIRST lessons you ever took?
Swimming lessons at the Y, I guess.

24. What is the FIRST thing you do when you get home?
Throw my keys somewhere I’ll have trouble finding them later.

Oh, and I’ll tag Sharon, Drew (yes, you should kickstart that blog, man), Ami, Greg, Jeff, the Bastard and Geoff.

Rob
*January 26th, 1980, unless it was a repeat.