The Horse Horseman of the Asmackolypse

I dreamed I was arrested for selling heroin last night.

Now, I don’t sell heroin; I’ve never even seen it in person. And even in the dream I actually wasn’t selling H either. I was trying to, but never actually had a supplier. The whole dream was set up like the first fifteen minutes of a cop show, where they shake down a really stupid lowlife in order to get him to turn on someone higher up in the organization. Only: a) I hadn’t yet gotten into the organization yet, so I couldn’t tell them anything even if I wanted to, and b) I was extra, extra stupid.

I’m not sure how or where the dream started, since there were a variety of flashbacks, but let’s say it started outside of some fast food restaurant. There was a crowd outside, and I offered to buy a couple of likely customers a fish sandwich. (This was code for getting some heroin for them, dealt back by the service entrance, I assume.) They gave me 55 cents, but they were undercover cops. So they arrested me, cuffing me and putting me in the back of their patrol car. (Why UCs had a black-and-white, I dunno. It’s a dream.)

Apparently by my accepting the 55 cents, I had somehow agreed to sell them heroin, which is against the law. From the back of the patrol car, I explained that 55 cents wouldn’t buy them an actual fish sandwich, let alone smack, but they didn’t care. They wanted me to roll on my friends, and find out who my supplier was.

I told them I didn’t have a supplier -- they would have been my first customers, but 55 cents wouldn’t have bought them anything. Then they charged me with stealing their 55 cents, and that's when I knew they had me with their clever legal maneuvering.

So I gave them some of the details on how I intended to sell heroin (but actually never had!). These details – I don’t think you can call it anything other than a master plan – involved having painted/dyed the back end of a horse green (accomplished!), hot-gluing a diorama of some sort to the hood of a car (a work-in-progress), and contacting the city’s major supplier of heroin (wouldn’t know where to begin). I told them I would show them the horse, but I would not tell them who painted it. Or half-painted it, I guess. The horse was owned by the guy who plays Agent Burke on White Collar.

(I think the idea behind this would be to make someone think we had twice as many horses as we did. So someone would see the front end of the horse and think: “They’ve got a brown horse.” But then they’d see the back end and think, “Oh, they also have a green horse.” So: Advantage, ours! Hoodwink’d!)

We were walking down a forest trail, the two cops and I, as my dream ended. The last impression I have is that I was very nervous that we would get to the end of the trail and they would catch my accomplice touching up the paint job. I was seriously thinking about making a break for it.

So remember, kids: Crime doesn’t pay!*

Rob

*Unless you count the 55 cents.