How is it I'm just finding out about this?

If this ridiculously bloody movie trailer featuring a girl with a machine-gun arm is not safe for work...

...you're working in the wrong place, baby.

Rob
(Thanks, Sims!)

It's Here!

Handless mutant-retards should ask a friend to zip them up.

Rob

Hard to Say Goodbye

And, as unexpectedly as it appeared, Handless Mutant-Retard Month ends. Not because I feel any less kinship with my handless mutant-retard brethren, but simply because it’s hard to post about anything else when my heart is drawn to these brave, brave, handless, brave, mutant-retard souls. I must close myself off a little bit, from the heroism of Chucky P. Sloan, the handless mutant-retard who saved six pigs (and a stuffed wallaby) in the Great Chicago Fire, or the abstract villainy of Huey Devlin, who painted all the Bibles in his church with clear nail polish, which he called “the devil’s pigment.”

Or Theresa Puttie, the handless mutant-retard mistress of Felix Mendelssohn, who inspired so many of his notebook doodles but not a note of music. Or my email correspondent who I only know as “JrRaindrop,” who uses voice recognition software to compose villanelles out of the numbers s/he can’t fit into his/her sudoku puzzles.

All of these people, and more have touched me. Their stumps are on my heart.

I look forward to the next handless mutant-retard month, however long it lasts, whenever it may come.

Rob

Did You Know?

Milton von Fleimanchen, a Viennese confectioner, once crafted exquisite hands out of marzipan for his handless mutant-retard son, Fritz.

He didn't make that mistake twice.

Rob
(What the %#$@% am I talking about? Lemme ’splain.)

Did You Know?

Handless mutant-retards are still partying like it's 1999.

Rob
(What the %#$@% am I talking about? Lemme ’splain.)

Did You Know?

A certain segment of the handless mutant-retard population can see into the infrared range. Others can hear subsonic noises or detect scents at a level science has not yet named, although "ultrastink" is being considered.

Rob

Did You Know?

The inclusion of Tom Bombadil in Peter Jackson’s movie, The Fellowship of the Ring, was squelched by a legal dispute. Jackson had cast handless mutant-retard heartthrob Neil Garvey as the legendary musician and nature spirit, but Garvey pulled out when he learned he would not be allowed to keep the CGI hands used to make him appear to play the lute. A sympathetic court ordered the footage—and “handage”—to be destroyed.

Rob
(What the %#$@% am I talking about? Lemme ’splain.)

Did You Know?

Two handless mutant-retards, Wally Monroe and Akimbe Londagala, received special dispensations from Pope John Paul II to hang-glide from the top of the Vatican in 1992. Miraculously, Londagala survived!

Rob

Did You Know?

As a side-effect of their mutation, many handless mutant-retards' armpits smell like fresh blueberry waffles.

Rob

Did You Know?

Most handless mutant-retards would be right-handed.

Rob

Did You Know?

A handless mutant-retard known only as "Davey" invented the toy rhinoceros. Plans to follow up its success with a toy baboon were scuttled for unknown reasons.

Rob

Stumped by your Heritage?

It’s Handless Mutant-Retard Month here at Laughing at the Pieces. Sure, it started just two days ago, and God willing, I’ll tire of this joke before 30 days are up. But it’s still a “month.” What can I tell you? We’re handless mutant-retards. Coherence is not our strong suit. (Neither is piano.)

An explanation: I got involved in a bit of a flame war this week. Eventually, the anonymous poster I targeted called me (for reasons too complicated to get into here, but here’s a good place to start looking) a “handless, mutant-retard.”

Yeah, I know. I couldn’t believe it either. So I took it as a badge of honor. And started posting little-known facts about my handless mutant-retard brethren.

With the first three, I was just warming up:

Fact One
Fact Two
Fact C

After those, I started getting into the groove, fitting handless mutant-retards into odd nooks and crannies of history and pop culture. And generally making stuff up.

Fact Four
Fact Sigma
Fact Epsilon
Fact G
Fact 7-11
Fact PUPPIES!
Fact Pi
Fact Lozenge
Fact One I Forgot
Fact Frizbee
Fact Cicuenta y Dos
Fact 25
Fact Naomi told a FIB!
Fact Helmut

More tidbits of handless mutant-retard history may come to light. I’ll try to add them to the list. (In case I forget, click here to whisk yourself to the top o' the blog.)

Rob

Did You Know?

Members of HUMMER, a militant handless mutant-retard group, were prohibited from coming within 200 yards of the "Hands Across America" event in 1986 when the courts ruled that they intended their planned protests to erupt in violence.

Rob
(What the %#$& am I talking about? Lemme 'splain...)

Did You Know?

Angus Nichols, a 22-year-old handless mutant-retard welder, worked on the Golden Gate Bridge. Wearing a special mask, he held the torch in his teeth.

Within six months of the bridge's completion, Nichols' teeth fell out and he was forced to wear dentures, ending his career.

Rob
(What the %#$& am I talking about? Lemme 'splain...)

Did You Know?

Handless mutant-retards account for 60% of all non-restaurant drinking-straw sales (excepting Crazy Straws, whose sales are dominated by the handless mutant-agorophobes).

Rob

Did You Know?

There have been six handless mutant-retard winners of the Great American Danceapalooza since its inception in 1962. All but one, Mary Ellen Krupthoffer, danced the jitterbug. (Krupthoffer frugged.)

Rob

Did You Know?

Handless mutant-retards love ice cream. Hell, everyone loves ice cream!

Rob

Did You Know?

In the Netherlands, handless mutant-retards are believed to be able to scratch the backs of the dead. People always invite handless mutant-retards to wakes, just to make the guest of honor comfy.

Rob
(What the %#$& am I talking about? Lemme 'splain...)

Did You Know?

Handless mutant-retards are chick magnets in Greenland, thanks to the national pop sensation Neil Garvey, whose hit song "Evvyone Wanna Get Wit Moi" topped the Greenland charts.

Rob

Did You Know?

The 1982 series “Joanie Loves Chachi” employed not one but two handless mutant-retards on its writing staff. Together, they opened a lot of (automatic) doors in Hollywood.

Rob