Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Vital Statistics

Okay, it’s another Tell it to Me Tuesday at The Art of Getting By, and Janet’s asked us to tell a story about our first crush.

Well, there’s not a whole lot of narrative to mine. Colleen was a smart, pretty, friendly girl, and I was a shy, geeky guy, and nothing every happened. End of story.

Except one day, me and my friend Joe (who also had a crush on her), were discussing her various attributes in the school library, as middle-school geeks were wont to do in those days of yore. Now, when I say “attributes,” you shouldn’t read anything lurid into it. Far from it. The conversation began when Joe said: “If you were to give Colleen three 18s, what would they be in?”

Yes, we were talking about her D&D stats.

I can’t believe I’m even telling you this. I am such a geek.

Well, Charisma and Intelligence were the two obvious choices. After all, we were bright guys who liked bright girls, and the charisma goes without saying if she caught our discriminating eyes, right? But where to put the third 18?

I said, “Dexterity,” which, it turns out, is what Joe was thinking, too. This seemed kind of profound to us back then.

But really, what were the other choices? Strength? Please. We weren’t exactly Olympic-level athletes, even in those halcyon days of puberty. Neither of us was looking for a girl who could bench-press even our scrawny bodies.

Constitution? That’s just a nice way of saying, “She can take a punch.” Pass.

And the only other option was Wisdom. And with an 18 Wisdom, she’d never have had anything to do with us.

Come to think of it…



Janet said...

It would have been even better if your story ended with a twist and Joe got the girl.

I've obviously watched one too many teen movies:)

Johnny Crow said...

Dude, I totally understand what you are talking about... In fact... I still play D&D sometimes. Funny really. Me and my best friend often will relate things in life to D&D, or to a book we have read or something far more geeky. I had a few of those crushes back in my day.. wait a second I say that like I am old... but damnit I feel old sometimes...

And Janet.. yes you have watched too many teen movies.. lol... but sadly so have I.

Kelly said...

Don't have anything to add, really, just wanted to say this post completely cracked me up.

Rob S. said...

Thanks for the kind words, guys.

Actually, Joe moved away later on that year. I've only seen him a few times since.

And yeah, Johnny, I still play D&D too. In fact, we had a kick-ass game last Saturday night. Now, however, my wife is at the table with me -- and she knows where her 18s are.

(For some reason, comments aren't showing on the main page -- must be a blogger quirk.)

Lobbyist said...

Since I know you, Joe, Collen and a few others who probably had a crush on her... I'd say she get the other for Wisdom. She "avoided" the lot of us.

Unless you...

Lobbyist said...

Sorry- should have read your entire post

Natsthename said...

Now I know something about D & D!! TOo funny!!

Alice in Wonderbread said...

Wanna know something sad? I'm a GIRL, and I knew what you meant immediately by 'three 18s'. And my first thought was "Charisma."

But you know, she really must be classified as chaotic neutral in morals. I mean, if she's going to have perfect dexterity you'd better make sure she's able to use it.

Arg- I too was geek ESPECIALLY in the 6th-9th grade. Oh good God.

Alice in Wonderbread said...

P.S. I forgot to say HAHAHAH!

Ultimately this is the funniest response I've read so far to Janet's challenge. Awesome.

And I don't play any roleplaying games anymore. But still consort with those who do.