Coo-roo-coo-ooo

Okay, enough with Canada.

I get it already.

Liberal friends have sent me a number of maps showing a merged blue-state U.S. with Canada, a fantasy that it’s kind of nice to indulge for a moment or two. (My favorite of the maps labeled the remaining red-state America as “Jesusland.”) On the other hand, a conservative friend has been telling me about the number of hits on Canada’s immigration web page.

To the former, I have to say if you’re going, you’ll need a parka. Because Canada ain’t coming here. But you’d do us all more good if you moved to Ohio or Florida instead. To the latter: You’re not getting rid of us that easily. To my wife, I say: We just bought this house! And we’ll never be able to sell it until we finish redoing the guest room anyway, so we’re pretty much stuck here until 2006. (That’s a joke, honey. Put down the scissors and my early Alan Moore Swamp Thing.)

And sure, I know the Canada thing is just a joke, a way of letting off steam. The people actually thinking about moving to Canada are few and far between, and they were probably already thinking about it before. But I think something very important gets lost in the shuffle when we talk like this.

This country is great. We have so much to be proud of, and so much to be thankful for, in both the red states and the blue. I like to see off-Broadway shows, but I want to sit in a sweltering Preservation Hall and hear kickass Dixieland jazz too. I’ll bodysurf on the Jersey shore, but I’ve rarely known such peace as I did floating in the still waters of the Gulf of Mexico. I want bagels and southern barbecue. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Mann’s Chinese Theater belong in the same country.

Forty-five percent of Virginians voted for Kerry. Forty-eight percent of Nevada did. These people don’t deserve the scorn liberals have been throwing at the red states, and they don’t deserve to be abandoned, either. More Texans voted for Kerry than did Michiganders, but Michigan is blue and Texas is red, and we’re gonna break it down that way? Nonsense. There’s no way on earth we should give up the South by Southwest Music Festival.

Look, this Canada talk is silly. I’ve tried lasagna in Quebec City. It’s inedible. I love the place, but the food? Not so much. Trust me, Bush or no Bush, you would not vote for this lasagna.

And neither would you vote to secede, when it comes right down to it.

Rob