The surprise surprise

Nasty surprise this morning. I woke up, thinking, “Aw hell. It’s not Saturday after all. It’s goddamn Friday.”

Wasn’t more’n a minute after that I got my second nasty surprise.

Rob

It's Here!

Handless mutant-retards should ask a friend to zip them up.

Rob

Scoooore!

Kathy & I went to a Rangers game last night. They were playing my hometown team, the Flyers, so the two of us had a good rivalry going. For a long while, the Rangers had the upper hand, scoring two goals to the Flyers zilch. Frankly, it was all Henrick Lovstuen – nothing was getting by him. And then, in the third period, the Flyers whizzed two by him – one right after a face-off. The game went into overtime, and popped another one into the goal in under two minutes. Final score? Flyers, 3-2.

Bottom line is, we both had a really good time. Kathy’s the hockey fan in the family, but I have to admit I had a blast. I’d love to do it again – maybe even watch a game where I can root for the Rangers. But not last night. I’ve never felt better watching a bunch of disgruntled fans shuffling from the arena as I did last night.

Rob

Every Day I Write the Book

Well, today and yesterday, anyway. And many, many days before that. I'm hip-deep in my Angola book, but finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just type up my corrections for this draft, and then it's on to the backmatter.

Whoo-hah!

Rob

As Buddha said to the hot dog vendor...

"Make me one with everything."

This is one with everything. Bless these people.

Rob
(Via the inimitable KTBuffy)

Hard to Say Goodbye

And, as unexpectedly as it appeared, Handless Mutant-Retard Month ends. Not because I feel any less kinship with my handless mutant-retard brethren, but simply because it’s hard to post about anything else when my heart is drawn to these brave, brave, handless, brave, mutant-retard souls. I must close myself off a little bit, from the heroism of Chucky P. Sloan, the handless mutant-retard who saved six pigs (and a stuffed wallaby) in the Great Chicago Fire, or the abstract villainy of Huey Devlin, who painted all the Bibles in his church with clear nail polish, which he called “the devil’s pigment.”

Or Theresa Puttie, the handless mutant-retard mistress of Felix Mendelssohn, who inspired so many of his notebook doodles but not a note of music. Or my email correspondent who I only know as “JrRaindrop,” who uses voice recognition software to compose villanelles out of the numbers s/he can’t fit into his/her sudoku puzzles.

All of these people, and more have touched me. Their stumps are on my heart.

I look forward to the next handless mutant-retard month, however long it lasts, whenever it may come.

Rob

Did You Know?

Milton von Fleimanchen, a Viennese confectioner, once crafted exquisite hands out of marzipan for his handless mutant-retard son, Fritz.

He didn't make that mistake twice.

Rob
(What the %#$@% am I talking about? Lemme ’splain.)

Did You Know?

Handless mutant-retards are still partying like it's 1999.

Rob
(What the %#$@% am I talking about? Lemme ’splain.)

Life is a Carnivore

Oh, I'm sorry, I meant a Carnival! Which reminds me, the newest Carnival of New Jersey Bloggers is up, this time at The Center of NJ Life, where the latest fireworks went down (up?) and Handless Mutant-Retard Month was born. Take a stroll, peek in some tents, and don't gawk at the goat boy. As we all know, it could be worse.




Rob

Did You Know?

A certain segment of the handless mutant-retard population can see into the infrared range. Others can hear subsonic noises or detect scents at a level science has not yet named, although "ultrastink" is being considered.

Rob

Did You Know?

The inclusion of Tom Bombadil in Peter Jackson’s movie, The Fellowship of the Ring, was squelched by a legal dispute. Jackson had cast handless mutant-retard heartthrob Neil Garvey as the legendary musician and nature spirit, but Garvey pulled out when he learned he would not be allowed to keep the CGI hands used to make him appear to play the lute. A sympathetic court ordered the footage—and “handage”—to be destroyed.

Rob
(What the %#$@% am I talking about? Lemme ’splain.)

Did You Know?

Two handless mutant-retards, Wally Monroe and Akimbe Londagala, received special dispensations from Pope John Paul II to hang-glide from the top of the Vatican in 1992. Miraculously, Londagala survived!

Rob

Did You Know?

As a side-effect of their mutation, many handless mutant-retards' armpits smell like fresh blueberry waffles.

Rob

Did You Know?

Most handless mutant-retards would be right-handed.

Rob

Did You Know?

A handless mutant-retard known only as "Davey" invented the toy rhinoceros. Plans to follow up its success with a toy baboon were scuttled for unknown reasons.

Rob

Stumped by your Heritage?

It’s Handless Mutant-Retard Month here at Laughing at the Pieces. Sure, it started just two days ago, and God willing, I’ll tire of this joke before 30 days are up. But it’s still a “month.” What can I tell you? We’re handless mutant-retards. Coherence is not our strong suit. (Neither is piano.)

An explanation: I got involved in a bit of a flame war this week. Eventually, the anonymous poster I targeted called me (for reasons too complicated to get into here, but here’s a good place to start looking) a “handless, mutant-retard.”

Yeah, I know. I couldn’t believe it either. So I took it as a badge of honor. And started posting little-known facts about my handless mutant-retard brethren.

With the first three, I was just warming up:

Fact One
Fact Two
Fact C

After those, I started getting into the groove, fitting handless mutant-retards into odd nooks and crannies of history and pop culture. And generally making stuff up.

Fact Four
Fact Sigma
Fact Epsilon
Fact G
Fact 7-11
Fact PUPPIES!
Fact Pi
Fact Lozenge
Fact One I Forgot
Fact Frizbee
Fact Cicuenta y Dos
Fact 25
Fact Naomi told a FIB!
Fact Helmut

More tidbits of handless mutant-retard history may come to light. I’ll try to add them to the list. (In case I forget, click here to whisk yourself to the top o' the blog.)

Rob

Did You Know?

Members of HUMMER, a militant handless mutant-retard group, were prohibited from coming within 200 yards of the "Hands Across America" event in 1986 when the courts ruled that they intended their planned protests to erupt in violence.

Rob
(What the %#$& am I talking about? Lemme 'splain...)

Apologies.

Chris & Cecilia,

I know that you both use the anonymous option to post on my and other blogspot blogs, signing your posts in the text. And I always love hearing from both of you. But lately I've been involved in a dust-up with an anonymous poster, and in the end it turned so repugnant to me that I've decided to disable anonymous posting. I figure, if this guy's gonna come at me -- and there's been no indication that he even has the sense to follow my name to my blog -- he's gonna come at me with an honest-to-god made-up name.

I hope you both register with blogger and continue to post here, not just because I value your input, but because I miss you guys and like hearing from you. I'm truly sorry for the inconvenience. It's just that this guy went from being an amusing little idiot to someone whose behavior has made me sick to my stomach. They're just words, and I'm almost certainly overreacting, attributing malice to him where it's most likely simply a lack of imagination. But he's nameless, he's a creep, and he's local. And that combination, in my mind, makes him a problem.

So until further notice, I'm disabling anonymous comments. Anyone who can't bother to sign even a made-up name most likely isn't worth listening to anyhow.

Rob

Did You Know?

Angus Nichols, a 22-year-old handless mutant-retard welder, worked on the Golden Gate Bridge. Wearing a special mask, he held the torch in his teeth.

Within six months of the bridge's completion, Nichols' teeth fell out and he was forced to wear dentures, ending his career.

Rob
(What the %#$& am I talking about? Lemme 'splain...)

Did You Know?

Handless mutant-retards account for 60% of all non-restaurant drinking-straw sales (excepting Crazy Straws, whose sales are dominated by the handless mutant-agorophobes).

Rob