Taxicab Revelations

A quick story before I leave for Vegas.

This weekend, Kathy & I met up with our friends Mike and Jessica (see, Mike – here’s your name!) in NYC. It was raining, so we hopped a cab from their hotel to the restaurant (Sushi Samba, where we had a delicious meal and dropped quite a bit of money doing it – but I’m getting ahead of myself).

I got in the cab in the front seat. The cabbie—a wiry latino guy wearing a bandana with skulls on it—quickly moved a backpack on the seat and said “hold on, hold on, watch the bag.” After the bag was set in the foot area, I got into the car. We started moving. Here’s a little play of our exchange.

Cabbie: I didn’t mean to yell, I just didn’t want it to go boom, y’know?

Me: uh…

Cabbie: It’s not a bomb or nothing, I’m not a terrorist, no way. I’ve got a license for it.

Me: Sure, I understand.

What I understood was that there was a loaded gun at my feet.

So we drive around a bit – Mapquest gave us the wrong address – when the windows start to fog. I crack mine open a bit. The cabbie turns on the defogger and tells me to roll up the window, rain was getting in. I say (although a little voice tells me there’s risk in this joke, but what the hell): “I wouldn’t want to make a man moist.”

The cabbie stops the cab. “What’d you say?” The driver fishes for the cab license and shows me the picture. “Look here, look here – what do you see?”

I get a brief look at the cabbie’s picture, under the name Valentine. I’m not sure what I see.

“That’s right, all woman.”

Holy crap. I get it now. I’ve insulted this woman. I’ve insulted this woman, and she’s got a gun.

She says “You want a squeeze? Your wife is here, or else I’d tell you to feel ’em,” indicating her breasts. “I made a guy feel ‘em once – he made the same mistake. His girlfriend was in the car, and she kept quiet, but I know he got hell later.”

Mike, Jessica & Kathy are cracking up in the back. Me, I’m just mortified.

Val assured me it was okay, and there were no hard feelings. Then she started telling us about people having sex behind her cab. “I think they were trying to shock me,” she said. “I just pushed the mirror away.” She was really friendly and chatty, especially considering my mistake.

She let us off at the restaurant, I paid her, and we’ll never see her again. But I don’t expect to hear the end of this anytime soon.

Rob