The Intruder

I want to get a few posts in before running off to vacation, but vacation prep is hectic, so we’ll see. But if I drop off the face of the blogosphere for a week, just know that it’s because I’m living it up at Jazzfest in New Orleans. Down the road, down the road, down the road, come-a junco partner…

Anyway, in training for New Orleans, I went to my brother’s bachelor party this weekend. Which was a great time, by the way, and if you can travel back in time and join us, please do.

We had one such traveler already. We spent the afternoon/evening at the Phillies game, either in the new stadium or out in the parking lot, tailgaiting next to our big yellow schoolbus. When the game was over, it was time to get on the bus and go to a strip club. It honestly took a lot of effort to get everyone on the bus – some guys were really wrapped up in a parking-lot “horseshoes” type game, where they’d throw colored washers at handmade box targets made out of 2-by-4s and PVC. It was pretty clever, granted… but it’s not generally what you consider the main attraction at a bachelor party. Getting the tailgaters onto the bus was like herding cats. Drunk, drunk cats.

But finally, we’re on our way. And some dude, drinking in the back of the bus, tosses his empty beer can out the bus window. He’s immediately leapt on (only figuratively) by a guy I’ll call Alpha Dog (it’s a bachelor party, names have been changed, etc…), who shouts “Yo, man, that is NOT COOL! We got a trash bag, we got a receptacle, you just don’t DO THAT!” And the can-tosser gives him this blurry look that says, “who the fuck are you?”

And suddenly, that’s the question of the moment, but from the other direction. We all know Alpha Dog, but who the hell is Tosser? It’s a big party, but no one knows him.

Turns out he’s some kid from Bonner (a local high school) who thought we were his crew, since we were on a similar bus and he was drunk out of his mind. (I don’t think he was still in high school – he looked a little old for that – but he probably was still hanging out with his old friends.) “You gotta take me back,” slurred Tosser.

“Sorry, kid,” said Alpha Dog. “You’re going to Day Dreams.”

I don’t really know what happened to Tosser after that. The club isn’t in the best neighborhood, but I think I saw someone arranging for him to get a cab. But hours later, after we loaded up on the bus (and let’s face it, we were loaded up on that bus!) and started the drive home, a couple of the guys said they saw Tosser stumbling down the road. Not that anyone was in any condition to know for sure – it could have been a fire hydrant, for all we knew.

Here’s to you, Tosser. Safe journey, dope.

Rob